


Take the shot

by littlemissstark315



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Tucker realizes he has a crush, a what if, although it gets angsty, it gets pretty fluffy, spoilers for season 16, suicidal tendencies and thoughts, what if Grif shot wash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-02-10 16:33:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18664159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlemissstark315/pseuds/littlemissstark315
Summary: If Wash is saved from being shot then time splits apart. Grif knows this and has zero time to inform his friends. So he takes the shot.Tucker also realizes he has a crush.





	1. Chapter 1

  
“You’re not here to stop us, are you?”  
The implication hung heavy in the air as the other rambled his plan and Grifs heart kept beating harder and harder until he realized what the fuck was going on.

If they save Wash from being shot then time splits apart and…and he’s not sure exactly what supposed to happen when that happens but he knows it can’t be anything good. Maybe a complete restart of his life? Of his friends? A world where he never met them? Or met Simmons or Wash or Tucker.

Would he even remember them? Or would the world simply cease to exist? Grif ran faster than he ever thought possible, guilt bubbling it’s way up, knowing what he has to do. There’s no way he can get to them in time to tell them all this, he has a minute, maybe less to even get there before they manage to save Wash so talking is out of the question.

When he got the opening and saw Wash, poor dehydrated and tortured Wash walking in the middle of the battle as if he were just taking a walk down the street. He swallowed his guilt and aimed.

When he saw Wash collapse he felt tears fill his eyes as he ran to get to his friends, go the long way around, making sure they don’t realize what he’s done.

It was a rush but they high tailed it back to their timelines, having to get their Future-Wash along the way. Carolina was pacing like a cat, metaphorical tail puffed out as she seethed. “What the fuck happened? We had everything set! We were there!” Tucker frowned, looking between Wash and Carolina. “Maybe it’s one of those meant to be things. Like fate.”

Wash spoke, sounding depressed and Tucker doesn’t blame him one bit. “A fixed point in time.” Tucker nodded. “Yeah, one of those. Basically whatever we try it’s always going to happen and bad things happen if it’s stopped. What if it’s one of those?” Carolina sighed. “It’s possible but..I just need some time to process this. We wasted so much time and resources on this.” She turned to wash. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t save you.” Wash gave a shrug, a small smile in his voice. “I’m still here sent I?”

Carolina gave a nod. “Yeah. And..I’m sorry..about not telling you of your condition. I meant to tell you but I kept waiting for a good time, waiting to see you recover more but it never came up and I kept avoiding it. I was a shitty friend for that and I’m sorry.” She hated Wash still sounded depressed as he talked. “I understand. I’m not sure what I would I would have done in your shoes. I’m sorry I got so upset-“ “You have a right to be upset. You had a right to know from the beginning. I’m gonna go get some air but please, don’t hesitate to come talk to me if you need to.” Wash gave a nod as she walked away, many of the others following.

Grif just stood in the back, guilt eating away at him as he stared at Washs neck. Simmons noticed how quiet he was and walked over. “Hey, you doing ok?” Grif didn’t even look at him. “Fine. Just pissed the plan didn’t work.” In so many more ways than one but he wasn’t going to tell anyone he shot Wash.

Simmons gave a huff, standing next to him. “I know, can’t believe Wash getting shot was a fixed point in time. You’d think the life of one man would be insignificant in this big universe.” “Guess not.” Grif said quietly.

Eventually everyone got back to base and went their separate ways. Wash was in his room, trying to read but unable to because he keeps thinking of everything. He was touched his friends were willing to go through space and time just to save him and he wonders what could have happened if they pulled it off. If him getting shot was a fixed point in time, what was he to the universe?

There was a sudden knock on his door and voice following. “Dude, it’s me, open up. You can’t keep brooding forever.” Washs smiled weakly, it was Tucker. He got up and opened the door, startled a bit at seeing Tucker in just jeans and a tee shirt holding a pizza box and a smaller box on top of it.

Wash raised an eyebrow. “Uhh What is all this?” Tucker smiled, walking inside. “I made a promise earlier..today? Yesterday? I don’t know, but I made a promise to get you a deep dish pizza and garlic knots and I did. Thought it might cheer you up.” Tucker places it on his dresser as Wash closed the door.

“That’s really sweet of you Tucker.” Tucker shrugged. “You’ve had a rough time, you deserve all the garlic knots.” Tucker looked at him once the boxes were down. “You doing ok?” Wash shrugged. “Define ok. I’m…getting by. This is all just a lot to take in. It’s not doing my headache any favors.” Tucker nodded. “I know. I mean, time travel being real? Im barely wrapping my head around it.”

Wash gave him a look, looking between the pizza and Tucker. “Where did you get this pizza?” He noticed it said Sals on the box. Tucker looked guilty. “Well I might have used one of the time guns to go back and get this pizza.”

Wash sighed. “Tucker.. That is insanely irresponsible.” Tucker rolled his eyes and groaned. “I know but…you deserve something nice. You’ve technically been forced to relive your worst moments and we couldn’t save you from being shot. I feel like a shitty person.”

Wash softened, walking closer to him. “You are probably the complete opposite of a shitty person. I mean you raised an alien son, defended a temple for months with no back up and we’re willing to go back in time to help me. Don’t doubt yourself like that.” Tucker gave a weak smile. “Thanks.”

It was quiet and Tucker caught himself staring at Wash. Between counting his freckles and seeing the little round scar on his neck. He started going toward the door, feeling his heart beating hard and butterflies in his stomach. “Uhh So Yeah, enjoy the pizza, you deserve it. Don’t let Grif know I got that.” Wash gave a smile but Tucker left too quick to see it.

Simmons knew something was wrong with Grif. He was never this quiet and he barely ate anything when they all managed to sit down for dinner in the mess hall.

While they all are (all mostly at the same table, not yet comfortable to leave each other’s company) Wash spoke up, drinking from his water bottle. “Carolina, have I ever told you about my cat Loki?” Grif saw the hurt on Carolinas face along with a certain sadness and Grif felt it too, knowing he’s the one that pull the trigger. He felt his eyes water and he stood, walking out of the mess hall, leaving Simmons to watch in worry and Wash to retell his cats story for the fourth time.

Simmons followed him after he was done eating and knocked on the door, even though they were sharing the same bunk, Simmons knew Grif was suffering something and didn’t want to barge in. “Uh grif? You in here?” It was quiet but he heard soft movement, like someone under a blanket. He decided this time to go in, slowly.

He saw a mound of blankets among Grifs messy side of the room, on the bed and he knew he was in there, able to see some of his black curls sticking out. Simmons closed the door. “Grif, what’s going on? You’ve been really weird since we got back.”   
“It’s none of your business. Just leave me alone.” Simmons frowned, concern growing. “You’ve been really quiet and you barely ate anything. I don’t know what happened but I know something did happen. I just want to help.”

“You can help but going away and leaving me alone.” Simmons walked closer, sitting on the bed. “Grif, please. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll do my best to help and understand.” Grif sat up suddenly from the blankets, Surprised to see Grif eyes so watery and red but Grif was glaring at him. “What happened cant be fixed and it’s all my fault.” Simmons went to say something else and Grif got up, forcefully getting Simmons up by his arm and marching him toward the door. “Now leave me alone.”

With Simmons outside the door, Grif slammed the door and locked it shut. Simmons wanted to tell Grif that it was his room too but he thought better of it, deciding to find somewhere else to sleep.

Tucker was outside, thoughts still heavy on his mind. Wash made it seem like a big deal he helped him and brought him pizza. But that’s what friends do right? Help each other. But why did it feel more than that?

“Hey Tucker, you’re out here too?” He turned, seeing Kai, her brown curls up in a messy bun. He gave a weak smile. “Yeah, just confused.” Kai gave him a look. “About?” Tucker shrugged. “Wash made a big deal that I was willing to help him.” “Did you get him that deep dish pizza and garlic knots?”

Tucker grinned, looking at her. “Of course. But…I don’t know. I feel weird about it. Like, good weird.” Kai was smiling, she knew exactly why. “What exactly is a good weird?” “Well..I don’t know. I just want to help him and make him happy. That’s what friends do right? But now when I see him my heart starts beating out of my chest and I feel like I might throw up. I mean, is that normal for friends?”

Kai sighed, leaning against Tucker dramatically. “Oh poor Tucker. I think you have a crush.” Tucker huffed. “No way. This isn’t kindergarten, I do not have a crush.” “Ok then what color are his eyes?” “Blue.” Tucker said immediately.

Kai looked at him with a knowing smile. “Tucker, you, my dear sir have yourself a crush.” Tucker also this glared at her. “I do not. I tried to help him out because I was a shitty friend and brought him pizza.” “Yes but you also traveled through space and time to help him. I’m just gonna put it out there that most friends don’t willingly break the laws of time and space just to help them.”

Tucker stayed quiet, letting that all sink in before letting out a breath. “Fuck…I have a crush. What do I do? I haven’t done this since middle school. “

Kai gave him a look. “Well don’t do what you did with me and be a total ass.” Tucker rolled his eyes. “Gee, thanks for that advice.” Tucker sighed. “I’m just gonna go lay down. This day has been…fuck, it’s gonna take a lifetime to process.”

He got back to his bunk and found he couldn’t sleep. Unable to stop thinking of Wash, wondering if he’s ok, if he’s having a nightmare or migraine, if his memory is fucking up and he doesn’t know where he is.

Fuck is he in deep. He had to resit the urge to go down to Washs room.


	2. Chapter 2

  
Grif didn’t sleep. His mind too abuzz with guilt and thoughts. He feels bad locking Simmons out of the room but he knows he’ll only keep bugging him for information. He wonders if Wash slept and if he had nightmares. He wonders if he was confused when he woke up, his memory not quite right.   
And his stomach turns knowing he’s the reason for that memory loss, that confusion; brain damage. He blinked tears away and debated getting out of bed and pretending nothing happened or staying in his bed of guilt.

Wash slept, for once but when he woke up he was very confused. He couldn’t recall where he was, he didn’t recognize the room. He got up, going to the door and looking around. He got halfway down the hall when he saw Carolina walking his way. She gave a smile, two mugs of coffee in hand. “Hey, you’re awake. I was just bringing you some coffee.” Wash swallowed, looking around. “Carolina, where am I?” He asked.

Carolina took in a breath, these moments with him always made her feel so..hurt? Sad? She’s not sure what the word for it is. “You’re back at base with us.” “Us?” He asked again. “The reds and blues. Do you remember them?” “Yes. Wasn’t I looking for the AI? Where’s the Meta?” She sighed a little deeper. “Have your coffee, we can sit down and talk.”

Grif managed to force himself out of bed and into the mess hall for a strong cup of coffee. He saw Simmons at one of the tables, mug of coffee in hand and asleep, head resting on the table.

Guilt churned in his stomach as he walked over, sitting next to him and nudging him awake. Simmons woke with a start. “Uhm?!” He calmed when he saw it was Grif, adjusting his glasses. “Oh..grif. You ok?” Grif sighed. “I’m sorry for locking you out. I just wanted to be alone.” Simmons frowned. “It’s ok. I understand. I probably would have just kept prying for information.” Grif didn’t say anything, just drank his coffee.

Grif saw Wash, Carolina and Tucker walk in the mess hall, Wash looking confused but that’s always been normal for him, it wasn’t normal for him to think he was someplace else. “So Meta is dead?” Grif over heard him ask. Tucker answered him. “Yes, very. I doubt he could survive being throw over a cliff connected to a worthog.” Wash looked sad at Carolina. “So Maine is really gone?” Grif looked away, still able to overhear them.

“Yeah. I’m sorry.” Grif ignored the guilt and tears welling in his eyes. He drank his coffee with no sugar, wanting the biter taste to quell his emotions.

By the time they sat down Wash regained his memories with a migraine that he seems to always have. Wash looked around, seeing Tucker and Carolina sitting with him. “How did I get here?” Tucker was starting to fully understand the extent of his brain damage and made sure to be supportive as possible. “You woke up and Carolina met you in the hall, then I did and we walked here. You thought you were back when you looking for the Meta.”

Wash let out a breath, hating these gaps. “I’m sorry.” Carolina frowned. “You have nothing to apologize for.”   
Tucker smiled. “I’m gonna get some food. Wash, want me to get you some food?” Wash gave him a smile. “Yes please and some pain killers, if they have them.” That smile made Tucker blush and his stomach feel weird as he gave his own smile and walked away.

Carolina looked between them. “He’s being awfully nice.” Wash gave her a look. “What do you mean? He’s always been nice.” She sighed. “I mean nicer than usual.” Wash rolled his eyes. “Oh my god, he’s being nice. Stop the presses.” Carolina groaned and shut up. She has had her suspicions that Tucker has had a crush on her friend for a while, this just seems to be adding to it.

Tucker came back with a plate piled with several breakfast foods, all are known to be Washs favorites (scrambled eggs with onions and peppers, sausages with maple syrup, hash browns; the really crispy ones and a cup of coffee with vanilla creamer and five spoonfuls of sugar and three pain killers)

Tucker smiled as he put the tray down in front of him. “Here, I made sure to get the stuff you like.” Wash eyes it with surprise. “Oh. Thank you.” He blushed, not used to this kind of treatment. He thought Tucker was just going to bring a standard plate of food, not all his favorites. Carolina gave Wash an eye, letting her thoughts be known silently. Wash sighed at her. Tucker walked away to get his own food.

Carolina got up, speaking hushed to Wash. “I think he likes you is what I was trying to say.” Wash blushed but huffed, ignoring his heart beating hard in his rib cage. “That’s just…we’re not in kindergarten Carolina. Plus He’s a ladies man, I doubt he swings both ways.” Carolina jus gave a little smirk before walking away to get her own food.

When Tucker came back with his own food, sitting across from Wash, it felt like an awkward silence. Wash blushing deeply and trying desperately to ignore it, drinking his coffee while Tucker cleared his throat and attempted to make small talk. “So…how you feeling now? Head feeling better?” “Headache is still a bit sharp but it’s better. Thank you for the pills.” “Any time.” Tucker said with a smile.

Carolina just watched them from a distance after she got her food, shaking her head. They were such idiots.

After breakfast Grif started heading to his bunk to stay for the rest of the day when he heard Wash call his name from down the hall. “Grif! Wait up!” He stopped, his heart beating impossibly hard as he turned, seeing Wash coming up to him with concern. “Are you alright? I noticed you didn’t eat anything at breakfast today.” “Fine.” Grif said before trying to turn away but Wash held his wrist gently to keep him from leaving. “You’ve also been really quiet and barely socialize with anyone since we got back. Are you sure everything is ok? Because you know if you need to talk about anything, I’m here.” Grif felt his eyes water. Wash was just…so fucking nice. It made his guilt feel unbearable, churning nauseous in his stomach, seeing that round scar on his neck. “I’m fine. Thanks for worrying about me.” He struggled out of Washs hold and marched to his room, leaving wash even more worried and confused.


	3. Chapter 3

  
Wash has made it a habit of going on walks once he was out of the hospital after his injury. Grey said the walking can aid both physical and mental health. Plus the peace of the wilderness around base was very calming. He found a little pond and he likes to sit by it, seeing the fish swim and splash.

“Hey, I wondered where you were.” Wash turned, seeing Tucker walking near him. Wash gave a smile. “Ever since I got out of the hospital I’ve been going on walks. Dr. Grey said it would help.” Tucker chuckled, sitting next to him. “She also says the best way to a mans heart is through his rib cage.” Wash laughed, honest to god, laughed and Tucker couldn’t stop staring.

Washs blue eyes were alight with a happiness Tucker hadn’t seen in a long time, that was a very good look on the freelancer. Wash noticed him staring, blushing but raising an eyebrow. “Is there a reason you’re staring at me?” Tucker fumbled. “Uhh well..I..” Wash looked away, covering the scar on his neck. “I’m sorry if the scar is difficult to look at.”

Tucker reacted quickly, reaching out and holding Washs hand, bringing it away from his neck. “No! It’s not that! You’re gorgeous with or without your scars.” Tucker blushed, realizing what he said. Wash blushed as well, not used to compliments and especially not from Tucker, a self-proclaimed ladies man.

Wash swallowed, going with it, he gave a weak smile, still trying to believe that compliment himself. “Thank you. I probably needed to her that.” Tucker’s heart was beating harder than he thought possible. “You’re welcome.”

It was quiet between them before Wash spoke up. “Why were you looking for me?” Tucker shrugged. “I was worried. With your memory problems and gaps I was worried you might lose place. Sorry, I’m not trying to treat you like glass or anything.”

Wash gave a nod. “I know. It’s fine. You have a right to worry. Im sure Carolina isn’t happy about my walks for the same reason.” Tucker smiled. “Then I can walk with you! Just come find me and we can walk together , that way you have someone there to help if you have any issues.” Wash smiled, turning toward him. “I’d actually really like that. They do kinda get lonely.” “Then it settled!” Tucker hadn’t realized he was still holding Washs hand. Once he did, he jumped, taking his hand away. “Oh! Sorry, I..I didn’t mean…well..” wash smiled, taking his hand back. “Don’t be sorry. It’s nice. I like it.” Tucker gave a nod, holding his hand a little tighter.

Back at base Grif had been in hiding all day. Simmons barely checked on him, getting work done around the base, studying the time gun they have and other tasks.

Grif hasn’t been able to sleep since they got back. It’s been three days back, three days since he shot Wash and may have destroyed his career and it all keeps passing in his head, wondering what would have happened if he didn’t shoot Wash, trying to justify it but it just led to a debate between his metaphorical devil and angel.

Every time he saw Wash get frustrated with memory gaps, every time he lost his place in his memories he felt a stab each time. He couldn’t take it.

He had his gun in his hands, sitting on his bed and staring at it with watery eyes. He could end this guilt trip now. He did what he was supposed to do, he fixed time, shot Wash, time didn’t split but now he’s the reason for one of his closests friends brain damage. He brought the gun under his chin with a shaking hand, tears rolling down his face and finger on the trigger.

And he stayed like that, unable to do it, willing himself to pull the trigger, end this agony when the door opened and Simmons walked in.   
He didn’t process it immediately but when he did he reacted like lightning, taking the gun out of Grifs shaking hand and throwing it far away from him. Simmons spike, high pitched and emotional, staring at Grif in disbelief. “What the fuck are you doing?!”

Grif barely answered, staring between Simmons and his thrown gun. “I couldn’t take it any more. It’s too much.” He said, voice thick. Simmons sat next to him, holding his hands tightly, making sure he’s still here. “What couldn’t you take any more? Why didn’t you come talk to me?” He urged, feeling hurt his best friend (and crush, he realized a long time ago) didn’t come to him.

Grifs lip trembled. “I shot wash.” Simmons looked confused so Grif continued. “I shot him. I had to. I was right when I smelled pizza in temples lair. One of those god AIs, I forget his name, was there. He was there to make sure we saved Wash because time would have split and been destroyed. Tucker was right. Wash being shot is a fixed point in time and if he’s saved from that then bad things happen to time and space and reality.”

Simmons frowned, still holding his friends hands. “But you made sure that didn’t happen. We’re all probably still here because of you.” “And wash has fucking brain damage because of me!” Grif said, standing quickly.

He continued his emotional rant, voice thick and breaking. “Now because of me he misplaces where he is, forgets things mid-sentence, has gaps in his memory. I’m why he’s broken! Why he may never be able to work again in the military! I’m the reason he’s disabled! I couldn’t…I couldn’t go on with that guilt.” Grif confused, chest heaving.

Simmons got up and stayed quiet. He had nothing to say that would help Grif feel any better. So he just wrapped his arms around him and let him cry. Grif wrapped his own arms around him, sobbing and crying his heart out. Not once did Simmons pull away to tell him to man up. He just let him cry.

When he was done he felt like he could sleep for a century. He felt Simmons lead him out of the room. Grif had enough wakefulness to ask. “Where we going?” “To Dr. Grey.” Grif didn’t even question it but then Wash and Tucker came walking down the same hall. Wash went to them with a jog, sensing the situation, he frowned. “What’s going on? Is Grif ok?” Simmons spoke quietly as Grif stayed silent, eyes watery. “I caught Grif trying to kill himself.”

Wash nearly gasped, looking at Grif, wanting to talk to him, to try to make it better but Simmons cut in. “I’m taking him to see Dr. Grey now. You can visit him there in a little while.” Wash stayed silent, still in shock as Simmons walked Grif down the hall.

Tucker sighed. “Fuck. I shouldn’t be surprised. He always seemed a bit depressed.” Wash started walking back down the hall, Tucker staring at him. “Where are you going?” Wash barely gave him a look as he walked.”Someone needs to tell Kai.” Tucker followed him. There was no way he was gonna be able to rest properly while this is going on. 


	4. Chapter 4

  
Kai and Simmons were the only ones allowed in Grifs room of the psyche ward of medbay. He hated it. It was too white, too sterile. Literally no sharp edges on anything. Simmons was in the room with him while they waited for Kai.

Grif was laying down in bed, almost curled up, holding himself. “I hate this.” Simmons huffed. “Well you should have thought of that before you tried to off yourself.” “Not the room, although I hate that too. No, I hate everything about this situation. There’s no way to save Wash from getting shot. Why? Why is the life of one man so fucking important to the universe? People die everyday. Are we all just fucking fixed points in time and if any of us are saved in anyway does the universe split?” Simmons sighed. “I don’t know. It’s possible.”

Suddenly the door opened an Kai came jogging in, Grif sat up and Kai run to the bed, sat down and hugged him tightly. “Don’t you ever fucking do this again. “ “Yeah, love you too sis.” Kai pulled back. “I’m serious. I thought you might have been done with your phases of trying to kill your self.”

Simmons eyes bugged out. “He’s tried this more than once?” Grif looked away from both of them as Kai talked. “Yeah, twice when we were young.” She replies to Simmons question before focusing on her brother. “Are you taking medication?” Grif rolled his eyes, laying back down. “I don’t need any goddamn meds.” “Well it sure as hell seems like you do. You’ve always been depressed-“ “I didn’t try to kill myself because I was depressed!”

He said, raising his voice. Kai glared, eyes watery. “Then why? Please help me understand. I don’t want to get the news that you killed yourself.”

Grif looked away, eyes watery. “We found out Wash is a fixed point in time.” Kai looked confused. He continued. “That means that he’s something in the universe that can’t be changed. We went back in time to save him from being shot but I found out that if we succeed in saving him we also may destroy time and space and the universe in the process. So I shot him. Righted the universe and all is well. But now every time I see him struggle I’m reminded that it was me that pulled the trigger and gave him brain damage. Me, his friend.”

He wiped his tears away and Kai frowned. “Have you told him?” Grif looked at her as if she grew a third head. “People don’t normally go around talking to their friends about how they shot them.” “I know but it was him or the universe. You probably saved all of us, including him. You need to talk to him about it.”

Grif was about to protest but Simmons spoke up, softly glaring at him. “She’s right. You did what you had to, you saved the universe and your guilt is only going to get worse if you don’t talk to him.”

Grif took in a shaking breath. “Yeah, that’s gonna go over well. Hey wash, just wanted to tell you I’m the reason you have brain damage. Yeah. Great talk.” Simmons got closer, going around Kai, holding his hands. “Grif. You have to talk to him.” Grif couldn’t look at him, feeling tears falling down his face. “And what happens when he forgets we talked? What happens then?” “We cross that bridge when we get to it.” Grif swallowed the lump in his throat, staying quiet. Trying to figure out how to talk to Wash.

After his 24 hour suicide watch he ended up running into Wash almost immediately. He must have been waiting. Wash came up to him in the hall, Simmons and Kai next to him. Wash hugged him quickly. “Oh my god, are you ok? I was so worried.” Grif swallowed, hugging back gently. “Yeah, I’m doing ok now.” Simmons gave Kai a look, both leaving Grif alone with Wash.

Grif let out a breath as Wash pulled away. “Can we talk?” Wash nodded. “Of course.” Grif led him into the room he just left. Wash frowned, still incredibly worried. “What is it?”

Grif sighed. “When we went back to temples lair to help you, one of the god AIs lured me and said a lot of things. One of them was that he wanted us to save you. Because that would mean time will split apart and and reality would cease to exist. I…” Grif felt his eyes water, his voice got thick. “I couldn’t get to the guys in time to tell them so I…I had to do it myself. I…I shot you.” Wash was quiet, not sure how to take it. “Oh.”

Grif shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’ll understand if you never want to talk to me again.” He went to leave but Wash grabbed his arm. “Wait! I didn’t mean to sound like that. It’s just..a lot to take in but it seems to me you did the right thing.”

Grifs eyes were watery. “I’m sorry. I hated I had to do that. I’m sorry I’m the reason you have brain damage.” Wash gave a weak smile. “It’s a lot better than reality splitting apart. If it helps I probably would have done the same thing. Sometimes you have to make the hard calls.” “I’m still sorry and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself.” “Well I forgive you. I’m not even mad about it.”

Grif stared at him, wiping tears away. “You should be. I’m your friend and friends protect each other and I couldn’t.” Wash moved closer, giving him a tight hug, Grif sucking in a shaking breath, hugging back. “You protected me by making sure time and reality didn’t split apart. You’re still my friend.” Grif let a cry escape, holding wash like a life line.

Outside he door, Simmons, Tucker and Kai waited. Simmons pacing nervously. Kai sighed. “Yo, will you sit down? You’re gonna pace a hole in the floor.” Simmons groaned, stopping. “Sorry, I’m just so worried. What if this makes Grifs mental heath worse or what if Washs doesn’t forgive him-“ Tucker cut in. “Dude, this is Wash were talking about. Do you honestly think he would do that” “no. I guess not.” “Then it’s fine.”

The door suddenly opened and Simmons worried, seeing how red Grifs eyes were and how wet his eyes are. He went to him quickly. “Hey, you doing ok?” Grif nodded. “Yeah. I just have to learn to come to terms with this and live with it. Wash said a lot of reasonable things I’m still trying to believe.” Wash smiled, holding Grifs hand. “And you know you can always come to talk to me. My door is always open.” Grif gave a soft smile. “Thanks”

Simmons went to him as Wash walked over to Kai and Tucker, his hands fretting. “Want anything? You doing ok?” Grif gave him a weak smile, looking exhausted. “I just want to sleep for a million years.” “As long as you plan on waking up.” Simmons nearly winced at his own words but Grif gave a nod. “Yeah.”

Grif reached out, holding his hand. “Com’on, lets get out of here.” Simmons just followed, feeling emotionally fried, he held Grifs hand tightly, feeling like he may lose him. It made him think of when Grif got thrown over the cliff fighting The Meta, his fingers slipping through his grasp.

They got to their bunk and Grif climbed into his bed. Simmons gave the room a look over, making sure that gun was far away from his friend before going to his own bed when Grif spoke up. “Dude, you can sleep over here if you want. I know you want to.” Simmons was still sitting on his bed. “Are you sure?” Grif nodded. “Yeah. I think we both could use it.” Simmons got up, going over to Grifs bed and got in, wrapping his arms around him, face to face, he felt himself blush.

Grif felt Simmons still shaking. He frowned. “I’m still here. Why are you shaking?” Simmons eyes watered.. well, his human eye did. “You realize how close I was to losing you? When I saw you with that gun to your chin, I thought I was too late already.” “Luckily I was a huge chicken and couldn’t pull it.” Simmons glared softly. “It’s not cowardly to not want to die.”

Grif stayed silent, feeling a bit like a scolded child. Simmons continued. “I…I care about you. More than I thought I did. If I lost you…fuck…I’m not sure I could handle that.” Grif brought himself closer, their chests slotted together perfectly. “I’m not leaving you. I’m sorry, I just didn’t know how to talk about this. I mean how do you talk about shooting one of your friends in a different timeline with a time machine?” “I know it seems hard but any of us here are willing to help and listen. I love you and I don’t think I can handle losing you.” He said, a little too quickly, barely realizing what he said but he saw how wide grifs eyes were and felt his own blush. “Uhh did I just say what I think I said?” “That you love me? Yeah.” Simmons wasn’t sure he could blush even harder. “Right.”

Grif gave a small smile. “If it helps, I love you too.” “Really?” Simmons asked in disbelief, eyes wide and Grif took his chance and leaned in, kissing him softly, arms wrapped around Simmons slim figure. Simmons kissed back, holding Grif even closer, wishing to be able to protect him from everything his mind comes up with. Wishing he could protect him from his depression and guilt.

But for now he was happy he was alive and well and in his arms.


	5. Chapter 5

  
The next day Grif was nervous to go outside his room. Almost the entire base knows the status of his mental health and he’s not exactly happy about it. Simmons sighed as Grif refused to get out of bed. Not from depression but from the fear that everyone will treat him different.

“Grif, They’re not gonna care.” “You say that now but I know as soon as I step out that door Donut is gonna be there fretting.” “Then we can tell him to fuck off. Even if people treat you different it’s not gonna change their mind of you if you stay locked up in here.”

Grif sighed, annoyed, throwing the blankets off. “Fine. You made your fucking point.” Grif got up and changed into real clothing and not his pajamas and went to Simmons who was waiting by the door.

As they walked into the hall. Simmons attempted to hold his hand but Grif pulled away. “No, one thing at a time. Let’s get over people knowing I’m suicidal before we hit them with the gay card.” Simmons gave a nod, and an amused sound. “Sounds good.”

Grif already felt it. Nearly every eye was on him, either in worry or mild disgust and even pity. He’s not sure which is worse. Before they got into the mess hall he gasped out, feeling anxiety vibrate through him. “I can’t do this. They already think I’m some lunatic.” He went to turn around when Simmons stopped him. “Hey, hiding from them will only make it worse. You need to show them you’re still you.” Grif took a few deep breaths. “Fine. I’m starving anyway.”

Grif and Simmons walked into the mess hall, a few eyes landing on them but most keeping to themselves. They went to the food section, getting trays and food. Grif piling his with all kinds of junk (burger and fries, soda, snack cakes) while Simmons has water, a salad and some fruit.

Soon they were joined by the usual gang of Tucker, Wash and Carolina but it was a bit of an awkward silence before Wash spoke up with a supportive smile. “How are you feeling today Grif?” Grif was mildly surprised Wash remembered last night. “I’m surprised you remember.”

He winced as soon as he said it, sighing. “I didn’t mean for that to sound like it did, I was being serious.” Wash nodded. “I understand. I do have trouble a lot of mornings when waking up but my memory normally comes back shortly and sometimes with some help. But seriously, how are you?”

Grif shrugged. “Fine as I can be I guess.” Although it was awkward, breakfast went on, Tucker made small talk, trying to keep everything light.

Grif got up after he was done eating to return his tray when one of the soldiers came over to him, once he’s barely said a word to (he’s not exactly a social butterfly) and just started talking like he was his fucking dad. “Do you realize how selfish it is to want to kill your self?” Grif could only stare at him in disbelief and a little hurt.

Before he could tell this guy to fuck off, he continued berating him. “It’s probably one of the most selfish things you can do. You know how many friends that care about you you’d be leaving? Family? You’d abandon them just because you can’t face your demons.”

The man continued and Grif was a weird mixture of pissed off and hurt and he couldn’t decide which he wanted to be but before he could decide Simmons came marching into his view, in front of him and glaring down this man.

“Lay the fuck of him! You have no idea what he’s been through! He’s one of the most selfless people that I know so back the fuck off before I make you regret it.”   
Grif added a new emotion to his already mixed emotions: aroused. Pissed off Simmons was not something he ever thought would be a turn on but damn if it is, he only wishes it was on better circumstances.

He saw Carolina and Wash out of the corner of his eye, standing at the table in case things get nasty but the young man backed off, going back to whatever it was he was doing.

Simmons turned around, nothing but concern on his face, all that anger gone as he checked his now boyfriend. “You ok? Do you need a minute? Privacy?” Grif gave a weak smile. “I’m fine. I was about to tell him to fuck off when you showed up. Thanks, for that. Not sure anyone’s done something like that for me.” Simmons blushed. “He was being an asshole. Of course I’m going to do something.”

As Simmons turned, ready to go back to their table, freelancers calm now that trouble was over. Grif walked alongside and decided Now was the best time to pull out the gay card. He reached over and held Simmons hand as they walked back. Simmons blushed deeply but didn’t let go, only held tighter.

When they got back to the table Tucker was the first to speak. “You two boning now?” Carolina and Wash stared at him. Wash got flustered. “Tucker!” Grif laughed at the scene and Tucker glared at Wash. “He laughed, see? I’m helping.”

Grif sighed, actually starting to feel happy for the first time in in a long time. “We literally just got together yesterday so we haven’t had time to get to that. Maybe later though.” He added, giving Simmons a smirk as his boyfriend blushed; flustered.

Later in the afternoon Tucker and Wash took their walk , making it routine definitely seemed to help Wash a lot, especially with the headaches.

They made small talk and Tucker felt the urge to hold his hand, feeling like a child with a crush. But maybe he could do that more his style? More romantic movie style.

He saw a fairly large tree that was perfect for his plan. He grinned over at wash. “Hey Wash..” he called, getting the others attention. Wash turned with a smile and Tucker reached out, holding his hand and pulling him into himself, kissing him.

Wash tensed but quickly melted into it, kissing back softly. When Tucker pulled away Wash found himself gently pinned to the large tree blushing more then he thought possible. “Tucker?”

Tucker was panting. “Wash, I really like you and I think we could be good together.” Washs heart was pounding, looking away. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean, I’m technically disabled. It’s not gonna be easy.”

“I know.” “And you know there could times I could forget you? Forget we’re together.” Tucker brought his hands to Wash face with a soft look. “And I’m willing to help you through all of that. So? What do you say? Boyfriends?”

Wash let out a breath and smiled. “Yeah. Sure. I really like you too.” Tucker grinned. “Awesome!” Wash chuckled. Tucker reacted like he was ten and just got a new video game and he found it adorable. He just hoped Tucker meant what he said.

 


	6. Chapter 6

  
Although nothing too dirty happened, Wash welcomed Tucker to his room to spend the night. They mostly cuddled and kissed before falling asleep. Tucker isn’t sure he felt this happy and Wash is sure he’s never felt this safe.

Tucker was deep asleep through the night but come morning he woke up by getting shoved off the bed and a screech he knows too well. He was very confused and very awake but suddenly there was a knife near his face.

He saw Wash looked genuinely scared and remembered he had trouble with his memories in the morning. “Who are you? Why are you in bed?” Tucker had his hands up. “I’m Tucker.” “Ok Tucker, where did you come from? We don’t have an Agent Tucker here.” Tucker realize Wash must think he was in the days of freelancer. Tucker stood up carefully, hands still up, the knife following him.

He saw Wash looking around the room. “Wait, this…this isn’t my bunk. Where am I?” Tucker gently sat on the bed, the knife lowered with his boyfriends confusion. “You’re at base, on Chorus.”   
“Chorus?” Wash said, looking at Tucker and looking at his room before his memories caught up with him, looking at the knife and Tucker.

He nearly gasped, dropping the knife. “Fuck, Tucker, are you ok? Did I hurt you?” He asked, terrified of the answer. Tucker gave a soft smile, glad Wash was back. “No, you didn’t. I’m fine. You thought you were at Project Freelancer.” Wash took a few deep breaths. Feeling Tucker hold his hand. “I’m sorry. That must have been scary for you to wake up. I have a lot of issues when I’m waking up to.” Tucker shrugged. “It was definitely a wake up call. But I’m glad you’re back. How’s your head feel?” “Achy but nothing too terrible.” Tucker stood. “Let’s get some breakfast.”

They day went pretty smoothly with only one other memory gap happening before having to retire to bed.

And each morning for two weeks Tucker has to wake up to Wash terrified, not knowing who he is and occasionally a knife or gun pointed in his face with a shaking hand. And with each morning he always helps him back to reality but it was starting to hurt, he wished he could do more.

While Wash was running a few drills (with permission from Dr. Grey) Tucker found Carolina outside the base. “Yo.” She turned. Seeing him. “Hey Tucker.” “Can we talk? It’s about Wash.” She frowned. “Is he ok?” “He’s fine. It’s just…every morning he has no idea who I am or where he is. I always help him out but I’m not sure how to help him.”

Carolina gave a soft glare, walking closer. “He warned you about it and told you it wouldn’t be easy. He may be doing that for the rest of his life. “ “ I know he did but I thought it would be a few mornings, not every morning.” Carolina poked a her finger on his chest roughly with a glare. “He may be like that his entire life so if you can’t handle it then break things off because he doesn’t need his heart broken on top of his memory problems.”

Tucker nearly gasped. “Dude, I’m fucking serious about him. I wouldn’t have started anything if I wasn’t. I just…I want to do more to help.” Carolina looked away. “There Isn’t. His brain my heal and his memory problems could be a thing of the past or they could get worse and follow him his entire life. But please, if you think you can’t handle that, then stop and be honest with him. And if you hurt him in any way your body will never be found. Am I clear?”

Tucker nodded. “Yes. Terrifyingly clear.” She gave a nod. “Good. If you want medical advice on how to help I suggest talking to Dr. Grey, she’s the one that’s been seeing him since his injury.”

After talking (and being threatened) by Carolina, he took her advice and went to Dr. Grey.   
“The Brain is a fascinating and difficult organ to understand. Right now his brain is still healing even though he can resume almost all normal functions. There’s nothing we can do to speed up the healing process, if it does heal.” Tucker frowned. “If it heals?”

“Yes. The brain really isn’t designed to be injured, why do you think we have a rock hard skull encasing it? And with that it’s not exactly designed with the same capabilities as say your tendons or bones which will heal completely with just a few weeks.” Tucker sighed. “Well what can I do?”

Dr. Grey gave him a sad but small smile. “Just be there for him. Help him during his memory gaps. For a more proactive approach you can change his diet a bit. There are a lot of foods that help support memory and healthy brain functions. I can get a list together if you want to try that.”

Tucker nodded. “Yes. That please. I hate feeling useless.” She smiled. “Oki doki! I’ll go get those printed out!” Once the list of foods was printed out Tucker took it, read it and put it into his pocket.

He saw it was almost lunch time which meant Wash was probably on his way to the mess hall. He jogged out to go find him.

He found him just as he was about to enter the mess hall. “Hey babe, how you doing today?” Wash smiled. “Pretty good actually. I haven’t had an incident since this morning. Still have a pretty bad headache though.” Tucker nodded. “Baby steps. Here, I got something that might help.” He handed the sheet to Wash who read it over. “Tucker this is just a list of foods.”  
“It’s not just a list of foods; it’s a list of foods that are good for your brain. It could help. I went to Dr. Grey because I hate feeling fucking useless, so she suggested this.”

Wash gave him a soft look. “You’re not useless. You’re here for me. You help bring me back to reality. That’s more than enough. More than a lot of people would do.” Tucker came closer, holding Washs free hand. “Com’on, lets go get lunch. I’m starving!” 


End file.
